Networking...For Your 3-Year-Old?

Most of the following conversation was recently overheard at the Mrs.’ workplace…__________________________________________________

PROFESSOR POMPOUS: So Rachel... Are you all settled into your new home?

NEWBIE HIRE: We are. Thanks for asking. Now, I just need to find a preschool for my daughter.

PROFESSOR POMPOUS: Wonderful. Ruby is 3-years-old, right?

NEWBIE HIRE: Yes, four in November.

PROFESSOR POMPOUS: Well, the Academy of Brilliance is just a few blocks from here. I sent both of my young men there, Augustus and Mortimer, and they are now competent in three foreign languages.



NEWBIE HIRE: Wow, I’ll have to look into the Academy then.

PROFESSOR POMPOUS: You should remember that the most important element in selecting a preschool is your child’s ability to network with others-—she’ll make connections that will benefit her socially, professionally, and academically for years to come.

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In celebration of Professor Pompous’ ludicrous wise declaration, I developed an essentials list for parents wanting maximize their three-year-old’s preschool “networking” experience:

• Arrive early to preschool and observe which parents drive the expensive vehicles. Then, engage these moms and dads with small talk so that your child can easily socialize with their kids.

• Encourage your three-year-old to pursue play opportunities with children who have prestigious last names. Children of Roosevelt, Vanderbilt, or Rockefeller lineage are appealing targets for long-term relationships.

• Avoid children with traditional sounding nicknames as it may be an indicator of low status: Jenny, Becky, Johnny, Ricky, Charley, etc., are certainly children to be shunned.

• Any preschooler who is required to wear color-coordinated knee and elbow pads and protective head gear prior to entering the school’s playground should be befriended immediately.
Simply follow this sage advice on networking, and your three-year-old son or daughter will be assured the nickname "Boot Licker" success in their future endeavors.

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Thanks for indulging me in this attempt at humor.

It was a therapeutic exercise, in contrast to the post that I wanted to write which amounted to simply calling Prof. Pompous offensive names and recommending a tarring-and-feathering for folks that act like her.

Some parents are simply unbelievable, eh?

44 comments:

Elena said...

LOL - Too bad it's probably true!

Nathalie said...

Haha, you really made me laugh out loud. Networking at the age of 3 cracks me up :)
*Nathalie

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Funny post Slam Dunk!!! No worries about that here for me.

Sue said...

So that's where I went wrong!!! Here I was, focusing on educating my child instead of teaching them to network!

hahaha, thanks for the laugh, Slam!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm soooo glad my kids' preschool was nothing like that. :D

Javajune said...

Okay I'm laughing, really hard but actually this makes me sad because so many parents really do feel this way. Whatever happened to being a kid and picking a friend that makes you laugh or one who adores your crooked bangs, that you trimmed all by yourself.
Kids are the best judge of character and I'm guessing prof poo had to play by himself in preschool.
Loved this...
xo-jj

LadyFi said...

LOL.. unfortunately, some parents really do think like this!

Matthew Rush said...

Wow that is funny.

Tara said...

Urgh. I grew up in that world. Seriously. I should have left it much earlier than I did, too. Who knew there was something in life called simplicity, oh and real friends to boot?

I do now :)

This cracked me up!

Bob G. said...

Slamdunk:
I found it VERY funny...
toodlers networking....(who knew?)

Makes me wince at the thought of those pedal cars (which many are NOW electric...how "green" of them)...I can see new modela coming out like BMWs, and Mercedes...or even an ESCALADE.

I mean, we wouldn't want our little "networkers" to be denied the chance to look so darn successful, would we?

Color-coordinated knee & elbow pads...gonna be interesting to see when a child wears something PLAID...LOL.

Cute post.

Stephanie Faris said...

Holy cow! Although I will say this -- I graduated from a high school in a relatively wealthy area, which we moved to when I was 10. By the time I was 10, those elementary school friendships had already formed and those people who moved on to be in the "popular group" in high school actually became friends very early on. Some of the rich students did gravitate toward each other but some of them were either middle class or poorer but happened to make friends with the right people from a young age. Not that you'd "network" at three...but it does seem like the wealthier kids become the popular kids in high school when you live in a city with quite a few "monetarily blessed" people.

Gayle @ Mountain Mom said...

I use to be a preschool teacher. Children are born to learn. The parents use to really freak about getting them the best education at an early age. It's like they forget about their home, their conversations, the books they read together. Oh well..I better stop talking about this or it will end up a blog post!

Candice said...

Graham has been going about this all wrong. I will have to talk to him about that!

Elana Johnson said...

Holy cow. But I agree with some of the others. Some parents probably are like this! Ha ha!

Lola Sharp said...

This stuff's for real in Manhattan. Prep school starts early. What a freak show.

Funny post!

Raindog said...

Wow, I now realized the preschool I choose for my girls in an incorrect manner. I choose a school at the community center three blocks away. The teacher was excellent and the price was affordable.

Epic fail on my part.

Momma Fargo said...

LMFAO! I am still laughing. That was epic funny.

Audrey Allure said...

There's no better time to start! haha jk!

I see his good intentions though.

Creepy Query Girl said...

Ugh! That is too funny. And unfortunately, in some social fields its probably dead on. lol.

Cindy said...

LOL...my word. networking at 3!!! geez give the kids a break. Thanks for a laugh. I just feel so sorry for Prof Pompous's kids, and with those names....ouch. man needs to come down a peg or two. :)
Cindy

suzicate said...

So, now I learn about networking three year olds...twenty years too late = now, my kids can blame my lack of networking them for whatever happens to them in life!

terri said...

Ugh. I'm so glad to be on the other side of that fence!

I remember obsessing about the things and situations that others tried to insist were necessary for my children's happiness and success. All seems so silly now.

Herding Cats said...

I'll kill myself if my future kids befriend snobs.

torn blazer said...

Yeah what kids really need is a good dose of nature, a walk in the forrest or a day in the park so they can relate to the world around them....let 'em go bush

Lipstick said...

oh this is so funny! I just died laughing at the part about "arrive early to see the expensive vehicles..."!!!

James (SeattleDad) said...

That is ridiculous. We look Lukas to a earthy preschool the other day to check it out and it was so, the other end of the spectrum from what you describe, but all the kids were very articulate and nice to our son.

Ann T. said...

Dear Slamdunk,
I have seen it and seen it!

If we teach them young to only know the right people, they'll be lost everywhere else.

Ick,
Ann T.

Miss Caitlin S. said...

Wait, this was a real conversation? What happened to getting to know people before you decide if you like them or not! haha sad, sad that people think that way. Especially at the preschool age, good lord. I feel bad for the kids.

LisaF said...

I think this sounds like a book in the making! "Professor Pompous' Guide to Raising Future Therapy Patients." How sad to think that there are parents with this mindset. Whatever happened to kids just being kids. When I hear of 5 year olds being expected to already know their alphabet, numbers and how to read before they enter kindergarten, I get very sad. Where has childhood gone?

Meg said...

LOL!! Great post! I just couldn't imagine that!

T. Anne said...

It's an exercise in futility trying to deal with people like that. Too bad life is rife with them.

gryphonscry said...

Said facetiously, but all too too true.

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BobKat said...

Very Good Slam! I looked at this post several times and thought, 'Networking for a 3-Year old'? I wasn't considering the bigger picture. As is common you got a few laughs out of me on this one... good satire.

MONICA-LnP said...

you had me at Agustus & Mortimer,thanks for the laugh!

Pia said...

i love this. what a way to start my morning. thanks for the laugh. i need that today.

Helen Ginger said...

These moms waited until preschool? They'll never get their toddlers into the best college that way! ;-)

Helen
Straight From Hel

Pleated Jeans said...

oh wow - that's hilarious. but the pressure "Pompous" puts on his kids to succeed probably isn't.

Abigail said...

That is definitely a much nicer way to respond. Unbelievable that people actually think like that.

hesaidandshesaid said...

oh gosh. i really hope this is a joke, only i have a feeling it's either verbatim or a close paraphrase of an actual conversation. i always figured living in VT would be a safe haven from conversations like this, but now that my son is in school, i have found that these beliefs have sprung up here as well. I really feel badly for the kids...we are amused or angered, but they are having to deal with all this crap.

Alex said...

Thanks for this humorous article but then what you said is true to a certain extend. I know of some parents who do this - having high expectations from their kids from such a tender age!

gladwellmusau said...

Hmm! This one make sense to me...in a different sense because some of what you say here...might as well be the truth. Great humor. Will remember this when I pick my daughter from school.

Have a blessed weekend!

Gladwell

Anastasia said...

it is true. sadly.

Sultana said...

lol, this is funny. some parents truly are unbeliavable.

Jayne said...

You joke, but there were definitely some parents at my daughters' school who were working to your networking list!