Alien Abduction

So this weekend the news was diverse, but I want to focus on one of the themes that you may have missed.

Alien Abduction.

Former professional basketball player Baron Davis revealed in an interview that he was the victim of an alien abduction. The incident allegedly occurred two weeks ago while driving in Nevada, but when he awoke, he was magically in California.

Then I read a story from across the pond about a politician from North Yorkshire named Simon Parkes who states that he is romantically involved four times per year with his alien kidnappers.

Naturally, these stories got me thinking.

Is this the sign of something? How should I prepare?

But my most important question is this:  Why haven't I been a victim of an alien abduction?

After some honest self-reflection, here is my list of "Top 6" reasons in quasi-David Letterman fashion:

6) Introvert: Since I enjoy solitude (and certainly like all parents lack such opportunities), I am less appealing. Why not grab Perky Paul or Paula and study why he/she is attractive and appealing to other humans?

5) Smelly Feet: If I am visiting your residence and you have a "guests remove shoes when entering rule," you really should give me an exemption. There is little chance that what I may track in your house will be worse than the scent my sock/bare feet will leave behind.

4) Projecting Voice: I regularly startle the Mrs. when I enter a quiet room and initiate a conversation. She insists I need to master voice modulation. I am going to Google that term sometime so that I know what it means.

3) Lack of Fashion Sense: When visitors from outer space look at my wardrobe choices and know that, well, mistakes are repeatedly being made, my appeal to them for additional study plummets.

2) Lousy Dancer: How can a civilization expect to advance if the examined subject lacks rhythm?

And drum roll please...

1) Bald: Need I say more? I mean the spaceship may have tried an abduction 2 or 3 times on me when they had to abort the mission due to the sunlight or other lights reflecting off my shiny noggin and blinding the poor creatures.



13 comments:

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

in Nevada one second, California the next? It MUST be alien abduction, what other explanation could there be!?!

messymimi said...

You gave me and my Bigger Girl a good laugh this morning, thank you!

Pat Hatt said...

#0 - lets pretend it's a number for a second, you don't do drugs lol

Bob G. said...

Slamdunk:
If he WAS abducted by ALIENS, does anyone know where Dennis Rodman was during all this?

My reason for having not been abducted myself is that the aliens are WAY too busy laughing their butts (if they have them) off at the REST of the world to notice much of anything else...

Must be nice to be the galaxy's main source of "comic relief"...

Stay safe (and un-abducted) out there.

lisa said...

LOL! Thanks for the Monday afternoon giggle. I was thinking you hadn't had that experience because you don't do those kinds of drugs. :-)

Lydia Kang said...

I'll try remember that bald heads will avert an alien abduction. Where's my bald-wig?

Brian Miller said...

yeah i read about north yorkshire last week...had yet to hear about baron davis....

ha on the feet...ditto that for my youngest...he will kill people...smiles...

lol on the sunlight protection...i may need to think on that...cause i hear the probes are not fun...smiles.

Clarissa Draper said...

Sounds like alien discrimination to me. Why shouldn't they want you as much as the next guy? ;)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

*reads # 1 reason for not being abducted* *wipes Diet Dr. Pepper off computer screen*

Rachel Lloyd said...

The neighbors heard me laughing! Welcome back !

EC Stilson said...

I LOVE number 2! This post is hilarious :)

Mark Koopmans said...

I wonder if the Space Vehicle was named the I-15 Orbiter?

PS... I was going to invite you over next time you're in town, but when I read #5 I knew there would be a problem (as *Everyone* leaves their flip-flops outside before coming in :)

PS... as you probably know - at least this is what I tell everyone - "I'm not bald, it's just a solar panel for a sex machine."

PPS: No, that line didn't work on my Mrs., either :)

Momma Fargo said...

March 21st..I was abducted by aliens when I married my husband. It's a day to remember. LOL